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The Hungry Dreaming, and a New Year

Hey there. It’s been a while!

Like many people, this past year shattered all my best-laid plans. Things fell apart, the center could not hold, etc. I spent some time away from the keyboard (for the first time in years) to get some better brain-meds and a top-notch therapist and start putting myself back together. Meanwhile, I moved to a new home, one with big fluffy dogs and murderous cats, far enough into the woods to see the stars at night. You know, all the good stuff in life.

I’m not going to say I’m back to where I was, because I’m not and that’s not my aim. I’m more into working on Me 2.0, healthier and improved. I CAN say that I’m back to work full-time and full-speed, working on new stories to share. I had originally hoped to have Down Among the Dead Men, the next Daniel Faust novel, out by now; that’s still in the works, almost done and ready for a couple of editing passes before I can bring it to you.

That said, I’ve got something for you. The Hungry Dreaming (originally serialized, now revised and fully edited from the ground up) is on its way and will be out next Tuesday, June 1st! This is a side story set in the Ghosts of Gotham/A Time for Witches universe — a new cast of characters and a new historical New York mystery to unravel, but with a small special cameo or two. It is also, by far, the longest book I’ve ever written: the paperback clocks in at nearly 700 pages, don’t drop it on your foot. Don’t drop the e-book version either (because you might damage your Kindle.) Here’s the blurb:

The discovery of lost letters between Alexander Hamilton and George Washington, describing historical events that never happened, sends shockwaves through the academic world. Meanwhile, a citywide surveillance program is coming to New York on a groundswell of dirty money and dead bodies. To hard-nosed Brooklyn reporter Nell Bluth, the two mysteries couldn't be more different.

Then she finds the missing link. Seelie Rose, a transgender runaway and the eyewitness to a murder, has a priceless secret in her pocket and a ruthless assassin on her trail. Nell and her partner Tyler are drawn into a centuries-old vendetta, a conspiracy dating back to the Revolutionary War...and witchcraft.

A secret war is raging on the streets of New York. It's a battle to control the narrative of history itself, and the winner rewrites the world. Three unlikely heroes will have to outrun and outwit every obstacle in their path; with time running out, they're the last hope to save the past, the present, and the future. And if they can't, they won't live to see tomorrow.

So, yeah! There we go! It’s moody, it’s dark, it’s got witches in it, Greek myths coming to life, and some very nasty villains. I am excited and nervous to share it with you, and it’ll be here on Tuesday. And with that, I’m getting back to work. Daniel Faust is in deep, deep trouble, and I need to make it even worse. I’m evil that way.

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The Year in Review, and Looking Ahead

Normally I'd start this annual recap by saying something like "Wow, I can't believe this year is almost over! Where did the time go?"

My feelings toward 2020 are slightly different. A bit more nuanced, you could say. More along the lines of "kill it with fire."

Publishing-wise, it was a productive year, though! We saw the release of Black Tie Required, the sixth Harmony Black novel, back in April. That was followed by The Insider, Charlie McCabe's second mystery, and finally by A Time for Witches -- the sequel to Ghosts of Gotham -- in time for Halloween. I was deeply, deeply touched by the response to A Time for Witches. In a year that got pretty rough (no complaints, I've still got a roof over my head and food on my plate), having a gamble turn into one of the best-reviewed and received novels of my career was incredibly heartwarming and I'm so very grateful.

(Speaking of, the final audiobook files for A Time for Witches have been reviewed and approved, and we're just waiting for Audible to do their final checks before it comes out.)

I found time along the way to squeeze out a couple of short stories, commenting on the sheer weirdness of the year (Lockdown and Hex the Moon, both available for free on my website if you haven't seen them), and launch my Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/craigschaefer where I've been serializing a new novel set in the world of Ghosts of Gotham. The final act of that story, The Hungry Dreaming, is underway, and soon I'll be polling subscribers about what you'd like to see next.

I hesitate to comment on the more downbeat issues of 2020, because things are tough all over and I don't have any kind of monopoly on hard times. Other people have it a lot harder. That said, I'd be remiss doing an annual look-back without reflecting on how this year found me burned out and spiraling down. I reached out and got help -- therapy, meds -- and I'm doing a hell of a lot better now. On reflection, I think it's safe to say that getting mental help probably saved my life.

If you're struggling, even drowning, thinking about getting medical help -- please do. This isn't a matter of pride, any more than getting help for a heart condition or a broken leg is a matter of pride. This is a matter of survival. Benefit from my example, okay? Tell 'em I sent you.

So that's the look back. What's ahead?

I had originally hoped to release the next Daniel Faust adventure, Down Among the Dead Men, in early 2021. I'm still working on it. The aforementioned issues slowed my production to a crawl and I had to choose between half-assing it and rushing a manuscript out, and taking the time it needs to be a really good story.

And that, of course, isn't a choice at all. I'm finally making forward progress again, and polishing it into what I think -- hope -- will be a worthy follow-up to The Locust Job and pay off on a whole bunch of dangling threads (not to mention taking Daniel on a visit to...well, I'll keep quiet in case anyone hasn't read the ending of TLJ yet, but those who have know what I mean. It's going to be wild.)

So I don't have a proper release date yet, but it is coming, sooner rather than later. Likewise, later in 2021 I'm still planning on bringing you the next Harmony Black novel, Never Send Roses. Supernatural espionage and action ahoy!

Beyond that, well...we've got options. I'm open to doing another follow-up to Ghosts of Gotham and making Lionel and Maddie's story a proper trilogy, but the story has to be just right, and I've jotted down a few notes but I haven't quite found it yet. We'll see. I've also been outlining a foray into science fiction, since I've always wanted to give that genre a try.

Of course, it's me, so don't expect hard science. Think big, weird, and mystical, along the lines of Dune. It'll definitely be me-flavored. Not sure if it'll get done this year, but it will happen eventually.

And that's the year: one down, and hopefully a much better one to come. I'm looking forward to bringing you new stories, new experiments, and new adventures in 2021. Thank you so much for joining me on this ride.

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A Time for Witches: Available Now!

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A Time for Witches: Available Now!

It's a day I've been eagerly (and more than a little nervously) awaiting: A Time for Witches, the sequel to Ghosts of Gotham, is out now. The Kindle version is live on Amazon, and the paperback should be available later today or tomorrow at the latest. Meanwhile, Susannah Jones has booked studio time later this month to record the audio edition.

Returning to Lionel and Maddie's story was a delight and also a challenge: to expand the world of the first book in new and fitting ways, and bring you a story worthy of the original while treading fresh ground. I hope I succeeded.

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A Time for Witches: Chapter One

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A Time for Witches: Chapter One

It’s official: A Time for Witches will be arriving in one week, on Wednesday the 14th, in ebook and paperback. Susannah Jones will be in the recording studio later this month to record the audio version. It was a joy to return to Lionel and Maddie’s story, and to celebrate I thought I’d share the opening chapter. Note that the story begins shortly after Ghosts of Gotham ends, so if you haven’t read that yet, beware of major spoilers…


1.

“I knew there was going to be a sequel.”

Lionel recognized the face of the dark-eyed woman at the hors d’oeuvres table. The name, he had to reach for. She tossed him a lifeline.

“Jerrica Winter,” she said. “We met at the press expo in DC last year.”

“Right.”

He took her hand. She had a soft grip, and her fingertips slid along his palm as they parted. She lifted her hand to her face, flicking at her raven bangs while she looked him up and down. He’d thrown a sports coat over his ivory button-down and faded pale jeans, but he still felt underdressed for this party. Black tie was the rule of the evening, and the faux-sandstone floor of the Griffith Museum’s gallery hall hosted a whirl of Savile Row suits and shimmering couture gowns. At least he wasn’t alone, lingering at the unfashionable edge of the room; Jerrica had shown up in an off-the-rack pantsuit and sensible flats.

“I finished reading your book on the flight,” she said. “Good stuff. When you went on ‘indefinite leave’ from Channel Seven, I figured you had to be working on a follow-up. Publisher must have handed you one hell of an advance to make you give up a steady TV gig.”

“Something like that,” he said, craning his neck and scoping out the room. Still hoping he’d see one particular face in the crowd.

He had left New York a month ago. Now he was living on his dwindling savings, driving a rust-spotted Corolla hatchback he’d bought with cash on the Jersey border. His mission was fueled by intuition and gas-station coffee.

Jerrica studied him with a fresh eye, like something had just occurred to her. “You’re not going after Spears, are you? I know you like hunting big game, but you’re wasting your time. He’s so clean he squeaks when he walks.”

Cordell Spears. Invisible fingertips riffled through the who’s who in the back of Lionel’s mind. Billionaire, philanthropist, made his cash in medical technology and slapped his name on a dozen children’s hospitals from coast to coast. No. Lionel had made his journalistic bones taking down quacks, charlatans, and peddlers of mystic woo. As far as he knew, Spears was on the level.

Then again.

“Everybody’s got skeletons,” he said, keeping his tone neutral and his eyes on the snack spread. Small plates, deviled eggs, blocks of white cake like imported Athenian marble. The gnawing in his belly reminded him that he hadn’t eaten since that morning, when he drove into Indiana with a cardboard cup of black coffee and a stale glazed doughnut in the center console.

“Not him. None worth writing about.” Jerrica pursed her lips, like she disapproved of the lack of scandal. “Two ex-wives, but hell, me too. He pays his alimony on time. No disgruntled employees with receipts, no whistleblowers. Spears Biomedical employees get a full year of paid maternity leave and an honest-to-God pension fund. Guy dedicated his life to eradicating childhood diseases, and when he’s not working medical miracles he’s funding charity shindigs like this one out of his own pocket. He’s one of the good guys. A real-life superhero.”

Lionel’s eyebrows went up. “A superhero, even?”

“The Post called him ‘Tony Stark with a stethoscope.’”

“I’m not sure there’s any such thing as a ‘good guy’ billionaire. Not when you scratch deep enough.”

“Cynic,” she said.

“It’s a bad habit. I’m trying to quit.”

He reached for a Mediterranean pinwheel, a tortilla spiral stuffed with sundried tomatoes, spinach, and cream cheese. It was cold on his tongue, fresh, with a hint of Parmesan.

“If you figure out the trick,” she said, “teach me how. So if you’re not doing background on Spears, why are you here?”

Good question.

He was here because his lover kept a promise she had made to him. She’d made it with bloody tears on her cheeks, clutching the horn-handled knife she used on her arm sometimes when she needed to let the pressure out. You know what happens next? You wake up one morning, and I’m gone. I’m just…I’m just gone. Because I always leave.

He was here because he woke up alone in their bed, on the houseboat they’d rented up in Montauk, with nothing to see but an empty toffee wrapper on the counter and an empty patch of closet where she kept her rolling suitcase. Her patroness—their patroness now—had given Lionel a simple choice. His odyssey to New York had plunged the professional skeptic into a world of ghosts and horrors. He could leave it all behind. Go back to Chicago, back to the cameras and the spotlight, and his illusions of a rational world. In time, the memories might even fade.

Or he could choose Maddie. Choose her, chase her, following her trail across a haunted America. His teacher, masquerading as an elderly heiress named Regina Dunkle, couldn’t promise him victory. All she promised him was struggle and pain. And magic.

He chose Maddie. He never looked back.

But now his teacher was gone. “Regina” disconnected her phone number and had been methodically erasing any trace of her existence. She was done wearing that particular mask. Lionel didn’t feel abandoned. Sometimes, lying half asleep in the tail of a forgotten dream, he thought he could feel her. Watching, curious, eager to see what he’d do with the tools he’d been given.

The goddess Hekate—titan, witch-queen, keeper of divine mysteries—was a strong believer in the sink-or-swim method of education. And Hekate had chosen him for her own, just as she had done with Maddie centuries before.

So he trusted his intuition and drove. He followed billowing clouds of starlings and charted a course based on train-car graffiti. Lionel was new to this whole “being a witch” business—he still didn’t like speaking the word out loud and never claimed it for himself—and he wasn’t sure if he was hearing the whispers of the universe or just flipping a metaphorical coin and imagining a signal in all that noise, but until he found a concrete lead, that was all he had to go on. His intuition landed him in a cheap hotel on the edge of Bloomington, where the cleaning staff had missed a tourist brochure for the Griffith Museum left behind by the previous occupant. He’d looked it up. Tonight marked the North American debut of a new traveling exhibit, Treasures of the Mycenaean World.

Dangling banners lined the great hall, encircling the edges of a glass ceiling that rose up like a circus tent, open to the murky night sky. A bone-white sliver of moon peered down, veiled behind wispy, ragged clouds. This was exactly the sort of show that might draw Maddie’s attention: she was a treasure of the Mycenaean world herself. So far, though, no sign of her.

Lionel was still trying to answer Jerrica’s question when a deep, confident voice jarred his thoughts.

“Jerrica Winter and Lionel Page? How much trouble am I in here?”

Jerrica greeted the new arrival with a quick, tight hug. “You know you’re safe from me.”

He was statuesque, chiseled, built like a Greco-Roman wrestler in a thousand-dollar suit, and he had an easy, generous laugh. He turned to Lionel and offered his manicured hand.

“Said the scorpion to the frog. Lionel! You don’t know me, but I know you. Big, big fan. Cordell Spears, pleasure to finally meet face-to-face.”

The man of the hour. Lionel couldn’t miss the private security, hovering at a respectful distance but close enough to jump in at a moment’s notice. They wore Secret Service earpieces, and judging from the cut of their jackets, they were packing more than muscle underneath.

“Same,” Lionel said. “I understand you’re the person to thank for this exhibition?”

“Well, our archaeologists in the field did the real work. I just foot the bills. It’s a good cause. History is important to me. Should be important to all of us. We can’t chart a clear course to the future if we don’t know where we’ve been.”

“Agreed,” Lionel said.

Cordell flashed a gleaming smile. “That’s why what you do is so important. Chasing down frauds, exposing snake-oil salesmen. Take it from me, my game is medical science, and it feels like every week there’s some new con man slinging a miracle cure—”

He paused. An elderly woman, bifocals dangling from a chain around her neck, was waving a brochure at him from across the room.

“Looks like I’ve got to get up there and battle my stage fright. A thousand public appearances and it always feels like my very first time. Jerrica, Lionel, catch you two after the show.”

Lionel watched him go, the silent security guards drifting like phantoms in his wake. He felt Jerrica’s eyes on him while he loaded up a tiny plate of vegetarian appetizers.

“You’re looking for a reason not to trust him,” she said.

“I don’t dislike him—”

“But you don’t trust anybody,” she said. “Like I said. Cynic.”

“It’s a bad habit.”

“I think it’s sexy.” She tilted her head. “You doing anything after this? Want to grab a drink, do some catching up?”

It sounded like she had more than catching up in mind. “I’d have to ask my girlfriend.”

“Oh? She here?”

No. She wasn’t. Lionel took one last look across the sea of faces, hunting for the curve of her chin, her bright-eyed glow. Maddie wasn’t here. He’d followed his intuition and come up empty. Maybe he was fooling himself.

“We’re kind of doing a long-distance-relationship thing at the moment,” he said.

Jerrica shook her head. “Get out now, save yourself a world of heartache. Those things never work out in the end.”

The wall sconces dimmed. Through the glass circus-tent canopy, skeleton moonlight shimmered down. A microphone let out a heartbeat of feedback squeal as Cordell Spears took the podium. He stood there for a moment, a wall of stony silence, all eyes on him.

“Are we…great?” he asked the gathering.

He was answered with faint murmurs, uncertain noises.

“America was built,” he said, “on the foundations of the past. Our forefathers looked to the Mediterranean, to the traditions of Greece and Rome, when they laid the first stones of this nation. Why? Because they drew upon history, and they had studied a grand civilization that endured for centuries. What did they see there? Greatness. A model to be emulated, a promise of enduring glory.”

Cordell’s patter was well rehearsed and he had the room in the palm of his hand, but Lionel was more interested in a new arrival. Lionel didn’t fit in with this crowd, but she was a piece from an entirely different puzzle. Frizzy orange hair, bags under her shell-shocked eyes, long and sallow cheeks. She wore a housecoat and combat boots.

And as she made her way through the heart of the open gallery, no one—no one but Lionel—seemed to notice her at all. The pale moonlight wreathed around her, stealing the color from her skin, turning her to glass.

New York had given Lionel scars to last a lifetime, inside and out. It had also given him a witch’s eyes. The newcomer felt him looking. She turned as she passed, and her mouth moved in silence. Maybe he felt the words echoing inside his skull, or maybe he just read her lips: Don’t try to stop me.

Maddie would have known what to do. But Maddie wasn’t here. Just him. Lionel set his plate down on the edge of the snack table. He braced himself, shoulders tight, knees limber. Whatever was about to go down, he was going to have to pick a side and move. Fast.


A Time for Witches will be out on October 14th. The Hungry Dreaming, another story from the Ghosts of Gotham universe, is currently being serialized on Patreon.

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Cover Reveal: A Time for Witches

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I know I’ve been silent for a bit, buried in work on the new Daniel Faust novel. I’m still hammering at the final manuscript, working to get the ending to fire on all cylinders, as well as trying to get the balance of my new medications just right (it’s an ongoing process.) Also, I’ve been learning how to work with Adobe Premiere and filming my first Patreon supporter Q&A video, which I’m hoping to finish by the end of this week. Apologies in advance for my horrible self-inflicted quarantine haircut.

Most importantly, my awesome editor Kira has finished her work on the manuscript for A Time for Witches, the sequel to Ghosts of Gotham. I’m doing the revisions right now, and we’re definitely on track for an October release. In fact, while 10/31 was the original projected launch day, I think we can do better than that. Once I finish my first revision pass, I should be able to lock down a date and get it up for pre-orders. And here’s the back-cover blurb:

“Once upon a time, Lionel Page didn’t believe in magic.

That was before his odyssey to New York City, and the quest for a lost manuscript that ended in mysteries, murder, and the buried secrets of his own past. He used to be a professional skeptic. Now he’s a witch in the service of Hekate, chasing myths across the heartland of a haunted America.

The reappearance of a hero from Greek legend is just one sign of the coming storm. There are Amazons on the highway, and death-spirits lurking in cheap roadside motels. And Madison, Lionel’s lover, is on a mission of her own. A mission, fueled by vengeance, to slay a man who can’t be killed: her ex-husband. If Lionel doesn’t catch up with her in time, neither of them will survive.

In Ghosts of Gotham, Lionel Page opened his eyes to the real world. Now he has to fight to protect it.”

And here’s the cover, designed by James Egan. Working on this book has been a delight, and I can’t wait to share it with you. More news soon!

A-Time-for-Witches-Ebook.jpg

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The Insider: Available Now!

I'm pleased to announce that The Insider, the second book in the Charlie McCabe thriller series, is available now, launching today in all formats (paperback, e-book, and audio, narrated by Susannah Jones.) I was really pleased to be able to return to Charlie's world, and craft a twisty little mystery off my usual beaten path. I hope you enjoy it!

At the moment I'm hard at work on the next Daniel Faust adventure, Down Among the Dead Men. The draft is coming along, closing in on the finishing stretches. Meanwhile, the follow-up to Ghosts of Gotham, A Time for Witches, is in my editor's hands: we're looking good for a release this coming October. (And of course, in 2021 we'll see the return of Harmony Black, but it's too early to get into any details there.)

As an aside, I’m super-grateful that so many folks have shown an interest in my new Patreon project (over at https://www.patreon.com/craigschaefer); all in all, it’s a busy time here at the studio, but busy is good. I’m aiming to keep you entertained (or at least pleasantly distracted) as we launch into the second half of the year and beyond. Onward and upward!

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A New Adventure - on Patreon!

I hope you’re having a great weekend! I’ve got a little surprise today — well, not much of a surprise, since I said it was coming, but nonetheless. My Patreon page has just gone live. And with it, the opening installment of a new, serialized novel, with new chapters coming to subscribers every Tuesday and Friday. Subscribers can also look forward to a monthly Q&A video, and whatever other interesting tidbits I can come up with along the way.

The first serialized story, by the way, will be a return to the world of Ghosts of Gotham. It’s not a direct sequel — that’ll be coming in October, with the release of A Time for Witches — but it’s a fresh delve into haunted New York with a new cast of characters and a new, murky corner of forgotten history to explore. You can read the first three chapters (the first five if you decide to subscribe) right now. This is a new thing for me! Kinda scary! Doing it anyway!

This should be an exciting little experiment, and I hope we have some fun with it. As always, your support — no matter what form it takes — means the world to me. I’m so honored to be writing stories for you all, and I hope to still be doing it many, many years from now. Thank you, always.

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On Being Okay

Happy Thursday, everybody! Folks have been asking for an update on my last post, regarding my mental health issues, and I’m at the point where I feel like I can give a positive progress report (and it is, thankfully, positive.) Also, given some of the feedback I got, I know some folks are thinking about getting help and you might be worried/curious about the process.

For me, it began with choosing a health-care provider. Like most writers, my insurance is utterly terrible (it’s basically for catastrophic coverage only) so that wasn’t much help, but I started by identifying my in-network doctors. From there I trawled for reviews; just like anything else, hearing from clients of potential doctors was a great way to identify the candidates with strong skills (and the ones best avoided.) Once I made my choice, I was provided with intake forms to complete prior to my first appointment.

If you’ve ever filled out healthcare history forms for a new physician, it’s just like that, but considerably more in-depth about your background, your family history and relations, and your current symptoms. It can feel invasive, but for an important purpose: figuring out exactly the best way to get at the underlying cause of your symptoms and come up with a real, effective plan of treatment. The important thing to remember is that folks in mental health are not, as a general rule, in the business of judgment; they want to help you get better, and there is nothing you can reveal about yourself that they haven’t seen before.

All the same, I was pretty darn nervous on the morning of my appointment. (Which was, by the way, conducted via webcam; given the ongoing pandemic, many doctors’ offices have switched to online consultations, so there’s no need to visit the office or leave your home in order to get help.) Turns out I didn’t need to be nervous at all. My doctor was empathetic, knowledgeable, and we discussed potential courses of treatment together.

I need to underline that: together. A good healthcare professional will keep you in the loop and in the discussion, because nothing in mental health is one-size-fits-all. And nothing is guaranteed to work from square one. We ultimately decided on a modest regimen of medication – a small dose, to test the waters and avoid over-medicating, which I’ll try for three months in order to give my body chemistry time to acclimate, then we’ll re-assess (with regular check-ins along the way) and either stay the course or try something different from there.

Side effects can be wild, y’all. You have to be prepared for that, because there’s a big grab-bag of potential side effects and there’s absolutely no way to know what you’re going to get (if anything). The good news is that unless you have a seriously adverse reaction (in which case you should reach out to your doctor immediately), they tend to fade over time. My first night on the new meds, I had some bad nausea; by afternoon of the second day, that had faded entirely.

What remained, hilariously considering one of my biggest symptoms was anxiety-induced sleeplessness…was insomnia. Though that was oddly useful in terms of seeing the positive effects of the meds: there’s a stark difference between “can’t sleep because I can’t stop worrying” and “can’t sleep, but I’m relaxed and dealing with it.” One’s scary, one’s mildly annoying. And that too, is fading. I was still tossing and turning last night but – now on my sixth day of medication – I got eight hours of cumulative sleep and that is NOT a thing I can normally say.

The important thing is, I’m writing again. Yesterday I patched up the act-three outline for the new Faust novel and smashed the story blockage that had been walling me in for a month.

Is life perfect? Heck, no. I’ve still got stuff to work on, health-wise, and even if that wasn’t the case, the world isn’t exactly sunshine and roses right now. The purpose of these meds is not to make me happy, and that’s something I can’t stress strongly enough because I think people often misunderstand that point. The purpose is to shore up the chemicals that my brain should but doesn’t make on its own, and allow me to process and deal with the world without tripping over my own feet. It’s about being able to see clearly. “Happy” is a philosophical pursuit, and a totally different deal. I’m actually fairly melancholy today, about some unrelated life stuff I’m not going to get into here – but it’s a genuine, true melancholy, one I can grapple with and process in a healthy way, and one that isn’t pulling me down into paralysis or a spiral of depression. And that makes all the difference in the world.

So, about writing! We’re less than one week to the release of The Insider, so that’s a very cool thing. Also, for some time I’ve been contemplating launching a Patreon; now that I’m dealing with added medical bills for appointments and meds that my insurance won’t cover, let’s just say I’m more motivated than ever. I’ve spent some time planning, working out ideas, figuring out what I can effectively offer to subscribers.

A lot of writers offer short stories on their Patreons, but short fiction just isn’t my forte. So what I’m planning at the moment is a serialized novel; maybe two chapters a week, something unique and new, straight from my keyboard to your brain. You’ll basically be right there with me from the first line to the final draft of a new novel, and through the process beyond as it makes its way to print. I’m also contemplating a monthly Q&A video where I answer subscribers’ questions.

I do have to be careful about Patreon benefits; I already tend to work seven days a week, and I don’t want to go overboard on benefits or my regular-writing-time could suffer. That said, if there’s something you’d really like to see from a subscription, definitely let me know.

So, yeah. That’s the update. And The Insider is out next Tuesday! See you then.

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I'm Not Okay

Sometimes I know just what to say. And sometimes I sit down, staring at a blank white square on my screen and a waiting cursor and just say, “How do I do this?” You can probably guess this is one of the latter times. Let’s start where the story starts.

I’ve always been open about my struggles with mental health, because mental illness is still heavily stigmatized in our society, and I strongly believe that the more open and honest that people are about it, the more that mental illness will be understood, accepted, and properly treated. It baffles me that in 2020 I still encounter people who think “depression” means “feeling a little sad sometimes,” or that it’s a symptom of a bad attitude/not getting out of the house enough/cell phones/pick a reason instead of what it is, a neurochemical imbalance.

It’s also been fairly easy for me to be open about it, because I have largely dealt with my shit. I began dealing with my shit twenty years ago, when I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and mild depression. I took Luvox and started cognitive behavioral therapy for the OCD. Ten years later, thanks to the therapy, I was able to wean off the meds and go drug-free — which was a decision, I really really massively need to stress, is a) not something everyone can do, b) not something everyone should do or should even want to do, and c) was a decision made in tandem and with the approval of medical professionals and with continuing support.

Art has always been my sword and shield against depression. I’ve often joked that I’m prolific because I don’t know what the hell to do with myself if I’m not working. The reality is more that I find fulfillment in storytelling; writing is my purpose in this life, it’s what I’m for, and when I’m immersed in my work, the depression can’t find any cracks to worm its way inside of me.

Usually.

April, things started to get bad. I mean, things started to get bad for everybody. My grocery store still doesn’t have toilet paper in stock. But quarantine and uncertainty took a mental toll that crept up on me. I gradually noticed that it was taking me longer and longer to do less and less. That I couldn’t focus, that I could sit down to answer an email and do absolutely nothing for an hour because getting my hands to move across the keys took a Herculean act of focus and willpower. Not being able to fall asleep at midnight, and waking up at 3AM, became a regular occurrence.

I know my body well enough to understand. This is old me, pre-treatment me, and my brain is sick. But I tried to fight through it because…well, I try to fight through everything. But now it’s June, and it’s crystal clear that the heightened stress I hoped would be a fleeting thing two months ago isn’t going to go away any time soon. Even so, I kept pushing against the idea of reaching out for help. Why? Pride, honestly. I worked so hard, in therapy, to wean myself off medication. It was a big achievement and it felt like saying “Hey, I’m not functioning anymore, my neurotransmitters are not neurotransmitting and I need a hand here” was somehow a betrayal of that.

In the immortal words of Marsellus Wallace, “Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.” So today I pushed past that slight sting and picked up the phone, and made a doctor’s appointment. I need outside help — not just so I can live a better life, but so I can create the best art I can, and deliver the best books I can — and I’m going to get it.

Why am I writing this? Simple, and it goes back to what I said at the top. The stigma around mental health needs to be shattered, and while my platform is a small one, when I get the chance to use it for something positive, I’d be negligent not to. Also, I suspect at least one of my readers might be in the same boat: you might be feeling like you’re underwater and need a life preserver, but you haven’t made the call. So I’m hoping that by telling you that I’m reaching out, maybe you will too.

You’re worth it.

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